Monday, May 31, 2004
My God, It's June 1 already...
I don't know where to start.
All I know is that I really mean it when I say I don't know what love is anymore.
Lastnight, we had a dinner despedida for my sister who's going to US for a couple of weeks. My ma told me to invite pat over. And other members of my family asked me why pat wasn't with us. I told them my usual reply, it's a sunday, I said. sunday is family day.
It's not fair to say that I am handling this break up well. I am not. I might be doing better than him, but I am miserable altogether. Maybe for entirely different reasons, still I am not OK. I don't want to dwell on how pathetic I am living my life is for the past few days. Sure, I act like nothing's happened. I am just a great actress. I keep myself preoccupied so those short moments of deafening silence and solitude never come to me. I am thankful to have to difficult nephews with me at home, a grisham novel that's proved to be better than the last grisham i read, the 500+ pages of homer's iliad, and a lot of school-related and sorority duties. Can I safely say that I have a life? Well... not really. I am just as lost as him... alone with a broken heart..
I have been evading his calls because I can't stand seeing him broken. I can't believe I am hurting him so much. I still love the man, that's for sure. But I just can't be with him right now.
I hate it when he thinks I broke up with him because of another guy. Yeah, maybe, sure... I have a crush on another guy and I am flattered that other guys have shown interest in me, but I still don't want to point that as my reason for ending our 5-year relationship. I would like to think that love has gone completely stale. I really feel that we need some considerable time apart to refuel our love for each other. Whenever I think of the future -- staying up late for exams, studying for the boards, jogging along roxas, playing badminton with my family, having family dinners, migrating to the US, watching lfs's -- I almost feel for sure that I cannot live alone, and I cannot think of anyone else in this world to spend it with but him.
But it's different. It feels like old love. Isn't this feeling a bit too early for our relationship? We should be acting like 21year olds enjoying our youth, living wild, having as much fun as we can while we are still young. Is this burn out? Our relationship just feels so old... I refuse to believe that this is how my life is going to be for the rest of our lives... isn't companionship a bit too early for us? Where's the passion? Where's the teenager in us? That's what I meant when I said I felt like I am already married to him.
I am not complaining about spending all my free time with him. I loved being around him. But lately, little things he did started to irritate me and I find myself not laughing at his jokes anymore. And while pleasing me was getting harder for him, pleasing him was getting a bit too brainless. Again, no challenge... no passion... It feels like we've been married for 15 years already......... Not that I didn't want to be with him, but that I didn't like the way that it felt too final, too plain.
For now, I am just living each day as it comes, not thinking of what I did and what tomorrow will bring. Because if I do, I'll go crazy. I won't be able to stand what I just did. I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me.
I too have a broken heart. I just don't know what love is anymore.
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All I know is that I really mean it when I say I don't know what love is anymore.
Lastnight, we had a dinner despedida for my sister who's going to US for a couple of weeks. My ma told me to invite pat over. And other members of my family asked me why pat wasn't with us. I told them my usual reply, it's a sunday, I said. sunday is family day.
It's not fair to say that I am handling this break up well. I am not. I might be doing better than him, but I am miserable altogether. Maybe for entirely different reasons, still I am not OK. I don't want to dwell on how pathetic I am living my life is for the past few days. Sure, I act like nothing's happened. I am just a great actress. I keep myself preoccupied so those short moments of deafening silence and solitude never come to me. I am thankful to have to difficult nephews with me at home, a grisham novel that's proved to be better than the last grisham i read, the 500+ pages of homer's iliad, and a lot of school-related and sorority duties. Can I safely say that I have a life? Well... not really. I am just as lost as him... alone with a broken heart..
I have been evading his calls because I can't stand seeing him broken. I can't believe I am hurting him so much. I still love the man, that's for sure. But I just can't be with him right now.
I hate it when he thinks I broke up with him because of another guy. Yeah, maybe, sure... I have a crush on another guy and I am flattered that other guys have shown interest in me, but I still don't want to point that as my reason for ending our 5-year relationship. I would like to think that love has gone completely stale. I really feel that we need some considerable time apart to refuel our love for each other. Whenever I think of the future -- staying up late for exams, studying for the boards, jogging along roxas, playing badminton with my family, having family dinners, migrating to the US, watching lfs's -- I almost feel for sure that I cannot live alone, and I cannot think of anyone else in this world to spend it with but him.
But it's different. It feels like old love. Isn't this feeling a bit too early for our relationship? We should be acting like 21year olds enjoying our youth, living wild, having as much fun as we can while we are still young. Is this burn out? Our relationship just feels so old... I refuse to believe that this is how my life is going to be for the rest of our lives... isn't companionship a bit too early for us? Where's the passion? Where's the teenager in us? That's what I meant when I said I felt like I am already married to him.
I am not complaining about spending all my free time with him. I loved being around him. But lately, little things he did started to irritate me and I find myself not laughing at his jokes anymore. And while pleasing me was getting harder for him, pleasing him was getting a bit too brainless. Again, no challenge... no passion... It feels like we've been married for 15 years already......... Not that I didn't want to be with him, but that I didn't like the way that it felt too final, too plain.
For now, I am just living each day as it comes, not thinking of what I did and what tomorrow will bring. Because if I do, I'll go crazy. I won't be able to stand what I just did. I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me.
I too have a broken heart. I just don't know what love is anymore.
